Monthly Archives: January 2018

Learning and Teaching the 7 Habits: Paradigms of Interdepdndence, and Habit 4 – Think Win/Win

Remember this chart of the 7 Habits? The first 3 Habits we’ve covered form that lower pyramid and bring us from Dependence to Independence. That means that we habitually recognize ourselves as the decider in our lives, we keep the big picture and our deepest values in mind, and we organize to execute every day on those values. We build our confidence in ourselves: in our own ability to be disciplined, to be honest with ourselves, and to deliver to ourselves the results we desire most deeply, and not merely moment to moment, or in accordance with the wishes of someone other than ourselves.

Today, we’ll begin the move from Independence, to Interdependence. This means taking the concept of Stewardship Delegation that Covey discussed in Habit 3 “Put First Things First,” implementing it more strongly, and adding overall effective cooperation with others for mutual benefit. We can personally feel great and produce good results at Independence, but, there’s magnificently greater potential in working well with other effective people!

Paradigms of Interdependence

Before getting to the 4th Habit itself, Covey includes an essay that circles back to his earlier discussions of Private vs Public Victory and Personality vs Character Ethic. As you may recall, deep success in life can only come from a deeply effective character: we must be a disciplined, trustworthy, active, kind, person. We cannot merely give the surface impressions of those things because the success that kind of manipulation builds is fragile, and doesn’t give us nearly the satisfaction of victory built on a great character. Further, the techniques of social skills recommended in the personality ethic are far more effective when backed up by a strong character. Build the rock-solid foundation first, then build the pretty house on top.

The mastery of your character in a clear mission, in discipline, in self-reflection: these all add up to a Private Victory. People only get glimpses of it, unless they interact with you deeply and often. The Public Victory comes after, built on the Private, when you’re building those amazing relationships, developing those amazing skills, and producing those amazing, tangible results: in athletic performance, in artistic creations, in the generation of properly-earned profits, in the foundation of socially useful charities that heal the sick and lend comfort to the suffering.

Likewise, you need Independence before you can have Interdependence!

If you try to skip that step, your relationships will be shallow and fleeting, and you’ll often be a drag rather than a boon to others, or their pawn. When two or more Independent people meet and collaborate, that’s a wonderful thing: they can trust each other, they don’t worry about offending each other yet can graciously apologize if needed, they can produce great things and joyfully share the fruits of their labor. When Dependent people attempt to collaborate, they get in each other’s way, they needlessly complain about uncontrollables, they walk on eggshells around each in a reflection of their own fragile egos, and they jealously guard their knowledge and talents, never fully opening up their potential to another person, or even to themselves.

Covey emphasizes that there are no quick-fixes when it comes to relationships with others: you reap what you sow, later words cannot simply erase past behaviors, and personality can at best give a flimsy plaster over character.

The Emotional Bank Account

Covey gets into his metaphor of the emotional bank account to describe effective relationships of all sorts. As someone can deposit money in a bank, watch it grow with interest, and draw from it later, so one can emotionally invest in another person by listening to them, being kind, having fun with them, and building trust. Asking tough favors, picking fights, and violating trust all make major withdrawals. They impoverish rather than enrich the relationship.

Specifically, Covey identifies six ways to make deposits into the emotional bank account:

  1. Understand the individual
  2. Attending to the little things
  3. Keeping commitments
  4. Clarifying expectations
  5. Showing personal integrity
  6. Apologizing sincerely when you make a withdrawal

It should be clear why someone stuck in Dependence and with weak character is going to suck at maintaining a good emotional bank account. These sorts of people project their own insecurities and flaws onto others, they jump to conclusions, they can’t even be honest with themselves or keep commitments to themselves, and they lack the personal confidence and self-image to weather making a sincere apology.

Personally, I think the emotional bank account metaphor is useful to describing all but one time of relationship: the sexual. While the methods of deposit that Covey lists can be compatible with sexual relationships, and certainly a person of stronger character has greater potential for more and deeper sexual and romantic relations, these deposits do not necessarily generate attraction in others. In fact, they often do not generate attraction, and attraction is the key to any sexual or romantic relationship. It is the prerequisite to any lasting success in that regard. It is not everything, but its the foundation, the core, and can make up for deficits elsewhere in the relationship. I argue that it’s the key to any successful marriage, as far as marriage can be successful. Attraction is not negotiable. It’s about what’s sexy, not what we’d like to be sexy.

That arena aside, I like the emotional bank account for friend/friend, sibling/sibling, parent/child, professional/client relationships.

Now onto the 4th Habit itself!

Habit 4: Think Win/Win

This is the first habit of interdependence. It allows an Independent individual to effectively work with others in mutually beneficial relationships.

Covey identifies six paradigms of human interaction. These are:

  1. Win/Win: Seeking mutual benefit in human interaction.
  2. Win/Lose: Seeking to defeat the other party. Zero sum.
  3. Lose/Win: Being a people-pleaser, or a doormat. Zero sum.
  4. Lose/Lose: Mutually self-destructive behavior, often seen in disputed divorce settlements.
  5. Win: Seeking to maximize benefit for oneself, without concern for the benefit of the other party- you don’t necessarily want them to lose: you simply don’t care.
  6. Win/Win or No Deal: Seeking to achieve mutual benefit, and will walk away if such a deal cannot be achieved.

Out of these six paradigms, Covey recommends that we focus on “Win/Win or No Deal” as often as it makes sense, because doing so produces the most benefit in the long-run, with a balance of P and PC. (Production and Production Capacity.) In some situations, Win/Lose makes sense: if you’re playing football, for example, one team must win and one must lose. Sometimes Lose/Win is acceptable in the short term, to build an emotional relationship in the long-term.

Overall though, thinking Win/Win, and accepting nothing less than a Win/Win deal, maximizes utility for yourself and the other party in the long-run, because it generates the maximum trust and good will. Suppose that you could take advantage of someone’s temporary circumstances to pressure them into a Win/Lose deal: this would generate outsized returns for you in the short run, but, when that other party is back on their feet, they’re going to have ill feelings towards you and be reluctant to deal with you again. Versus, if you only deal Win/Win with them, they’ll be there to cooperate with you in the future.

While competition is an unavoidable fact of nature and of human society, cooperation often produces the greater results for everyone. Much of capitalism is expressed in competition, such as the competition for rival firms to sell to a limited pool of customers. But, capitalism is also based on mutually beneficial deals, in a system of voluntary exchange. When people with different ideas and talents collaborate in a way that benefits everyone involved, they can produce much more wealth than if they distrusted and fought against each other.

How to Develop Win/Win as a Habit

Covey sees Win/Win or No Deal as a deep habit of character, not merely a technique. It’s important for people to analyze their decisions and relationships, to make sure that they are actually doing Win/Win, and not merely talking about it, as could happen in many organizational environments. For instance, Covey describes a business he observed, in which the various sales office branch managers were combative and uncooperative towards each other- the company’s president was puzzled by this, as he always verbally emphasized the importance of “Win/Win.” As Covey discovered, however, the company’s incentives ran completely counter to the Win/Win mentality: each branch manager was in competition with each other for a Bahamas vacation, with only one possible winner. Where was the incentive for any of them to share ideas with each other?! The president had created a Win/Lose scenario, and merely paid lip service to Win/Win.

According to Covey, there are five dimensions of Win/Win which must be present in order to build the habit within an organization.

The first of these is Character: the individuals involved must have integrity with themselves and others, they must be emotionally mature enough to balance between speaking up and considering the feelings of others, and they must hold an abundance mentality, meaning that they think there’s “plenty out there for everybody,” and we can all win together.

The second dimension is Relationship. Individuals must grow their emotional bank account balance with other individuals, and the organization must build its emotional bank account balance with its members. The members must have the history of positive interactions needed to trust each other. They need to know that everyone else in the organization is thinking Win/Win with them.

From relationships flow the next dimension, Agreements. These give the definition and direction to Win/Win, and make partnerships between groups and individuals. The Win/Win agreement must include the desired results for the partnership, the guidelines of how to get those desired results, the resources available, the measures of accountability, and the consequences of success or failure. With all this, the agreements between a boss and an employee, between two businesses, or between a senior and junior manager can be clear, so both sides know what they’re working towards, broadly how to do it, and why. Of course, these agreements can only work when the Character and Relationships are there first!

Moving from the level of flesh-and-blood individuals and into organizational-level concepts and rules, Win/Win depends on good Systems. The incentives in a company must support Win/Win, or else Win/Win isn’t likely to happen. Employees and managers who should be working together should be incentivized in their pay structure to work together. The company’s training, budgeting, H.R., and information systems must all support this.

Finally, Win/Win needs effective Processes. Covey cites the work of two Harvard law professors, Roger Fisher and William Ury, in arguing that effective Win/Win negotiation must be principled rather than positional. That is to say, we must separate the person from the problem, focus on interests and not positions, and to invent options for mutual gain while insisting on objective criteria. You must see the situation from the other party’s point of view, and understand what they want, what they fear. Identify, mutually with them, the key issues and concerns involved, regardless of what any party may want to hold as a position. Then talk about what would be the results both parties want to move to. Finally, together create options to reach those results. This is in contrast to an emotionally immature, dependent, fixation on one’s own positions, without ever finding common ground or opportunities for give-and-take, or entirely new options with the other party.

Application Examples

Covey suggests making a list of obstacles that keep me from applying the Win/Win paradigm more frequently, and then to think about what I can do within my Circle of Influence to eliminate some of those obstacles. Here’s my go at that:

  1. My own anger at people who act rudely. -SOLUTION: Meditate longer and more frequently. I already do 5-10 minutes first thing most mornings, but I should practice more to increase my emotional stability in the face of stress and the irrational actions of others.
  2. My sensitivity and frustration at my own lackluster career and financial success. -SOLUTION: Meditation will help too here, in decreasing stress over this topic. I should also track my finances more, with an eye towards increasing savings and being sure to do all I can to learn about career options and building the skills necessary for success in a lucrative career.
  3. My own need to be liked and thought of as cool, which comes from my own history. -SOLUTION: Meditation yet again. Also, spending more time building an awesome independent life so I can be happier when alone, which, I have gotten better at over time. Also, re-read books and resources on increasing charisma and building connections with others.
  4. My ego-centric thoughts of my ideas being great for the other person. -SOLUTION: Meditation, again. Also, going into meetings with a very open mind, and asking open-ended questions as objectively as possible, to learn about where the other person is coming from and what their concerns and wants are.


Learning and Teaching the 7 Habits: Habit 3 – Put First Things First (Part 2/2)

Happy New Year!

It was poor proactivity and putting first things first to not get this published for you all earlier. But here it is!

To review from the last post, Habit 3 “Put First Things First” is the practical fruit of the first two habits of Proactivity and Beginning With the End in Mind. The first habit has us focus on our ability to make decisions. The second habit has us envisioning the future we desire, and figuring out what is important to us deep down. The third habit is the daily execution, the work, to live the ideals that we set for ourselves. This means discipline. But, discipline is much easier to cultivate if you have an exciting personal mission. A good mission makes it a joy to put in work, rather than slack off, because you know what you’re putting in the time, effort, and sacrifice for. Without a strong mission, it’s almost impossible to summon the willpower needed to exercise consistently, build skills, study, network, and eat right.

The Four Quadrants

Covey talks about how all activities we perform any day can be put into one of four categories, as illustrated on this grid:

A task or activity can be Important or Not Important, and, it can be Urgent or Not Urgent. It’s possible for something to be Urgent but Not Important, or Important, but not Urgent.

Quadrant 1 is the things that are Urgent and Important. These are crises and pressing deadlines. If you’re house is burning down, that’s an urgent and important thing to deal with. If you have a final paper due tomorrow for a college course which will impact your career, that’s important and urgent. You have to deal with these things immediately or suffer bad consequences, but, there are ways to limit their occurrence or reoccurrence, which I’ll explain in a moment.

Quadrant 3 (I’ll get to 2) activities are Urgent, but Not Important. That means many emails, many phone calls, and peer-pressured “hey let’s go party!’ type invitations. Some phone calls and emails are important of course, but we’re talking about the unimportant ones here. You want to avoid these sorts of interruptions, mainly by controlling the flow of information to yourself: when you’re focused on important tasks, silence the phone, turn off computer notifications, slap the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, and put your headphones in – don’t mistake perceived urgency on someone else’s part for importance on your part.

Quadrant 4 is all the fun, frivolous stuff – video games, overly long social phone calls, busy work, personal social media, mindless T.V./YouTube watching. These things can be fun and are fine in moderation, but it’s critical to strictly limit the amount of time you spend on them. Spending too much of the day in Quadrant 4 leads to dulled skills, low ambition, and little results.

Quadrant 2, is where it’s at- Important, but Not Urgent. These are the helpful, meaningful, healthy tasks that improve your personal and professional life: exercise, relationship-building, planning, study, deep work spent on programming or writing or building. It can also be important but easy to procrastinate tasks like writing your will, setting up a retirement contribution plan, or cleaning your room. The more time you spend in Quadrant 2, the more in control of your life you’ll feel, the better results you’ll get in terms of output and money, the stronger your Production Capacity (remember “PC,” with the golden goose fable/) will be, and the fewer Quadrant 1 crises you’ll have. Prevention beats a cure when it comes to staying in shape, saving money, and keeping up with an ever-changing economy!

How to Plan

Covey talks about four generations of time management tools, and explains how they have improved with each generation.

  1. Generation 1 is just a sticky note/to do list form of management. It doesn’t prioritize tasks by importance, and doesn’t relate tasks to our values and purposes in life- it lacks leadership. It tends to over-prioritize urgent, but not important (Quadrant 3) tasks by default, as they slip into our awareness the most as we’re making these lists. Gen 1 management is better than no time management at all, but there are better methods!
  2. Generation 2 moves from simple lists and upgrades to calendars and appointment books. This means that its practitioners look ahead, more precisely arrange activities in advance, and spend a bit more time in Quadrant 2. Still, there’s little prioritization here, and little account for the big picture.
  3. Generation 3 is close to what Covey advocates. Generation 3 time management means using calendars, plus taking the time to plan in accordance with values, and prioritizing tasks in accordance with those values. Gen 3 planners set short, long, and intermediate-term goals for themselves. This is all efficient, and more effective than Gen 1 and 2. But, it suffers from the problems of clashing with human interaction for richer relationships, and spontaneous moments. People who are initially enthusiastic about Gen 3 time planning can grow sick of the regimentation, and end up “throwing the baby out with the bath water” and go back to Gen 2 or 1.
  4. Generation 4, which Covey advocates, is about personal rather than time management. It seeks to focus on relationships and results, rather than on things and time – that is to say, managing the P/PC Balance. (Production/Production Capacity.) That is to say, Generation 4 means using all the values and goals based planning of Generation 3, and combining it with a focus on Quadrant 2 activities in particular, on deepening relationships with the important people in our lives, and on getting to effective results rather than only focusing on the time spent on tasks. (If you finish something early, move on quickly to the next thing instead of doing busy work in that extra half hour on your schedule, for instance.)

Principles of Quadrant 2/Generation 4 Planning

The objective of Covey’s ideal way of planning is to manage our lives effectively, with a mission, based on principles, and addressing the urgent while being sure to spend time on the important. This will balance P/PC, and let us build valuable relationships with friends, family, lovers, and business associates. Covey says that a planning tool (that is to say, a physical or digital calendar/notebook) needs to meet six criteria:

  1. Coherence: Includes space for mission, values, and goals.
  2. Balance: Identifies all the current roles in your life, not just one or two.
  3. Quadrant 2 Focus: Encourages you to think weekly, rather than just daily, and include time for valuable but not urgent activities.
  4. A People Dimension: This connects to flexibility, in letting you schedule a life that allows for spontaneity and naturalness in dealing with people, without sacrificing focus on important tasks.
  5. Flexibility: Make the tool your own. Change what doesn’t work in it.
  6. Portability: You should be able to carry it anywhere.

I got a nifty officially licenses Franklin-Covey faux-leather bound plannner in December of 2016, and have sworn by it ever since. They sell those at Staples and the Franklin-Covey website. they’re a bit pricey, (mine was like $45 I think for a 5.5″ x 8.5″ weekly planner notebook in the faux-leather, magnetic-latching case with a business card holder,) but worth it, I think. The weekly planning pages are well-organized for planning in accordance with your own application of Covey’s ideas.

Organizing a Week

Plan a year once a year. Plan a month once a month. Plan a week once a week. Plan a day once a day. Out of those, the week is the most important place to focus, as its a unit of time in which you can accomplish a lot, and build habits, yet isn’t so long that it becomes unrealistic to plan completely in detail. It’s just a reasonable chunk of time, and for many people, it gets bookended by some sort of weekend.

To organize a week, first, Covey recommends identifying the key roles in your life. For me, that means Cadet, Business Student, Writer, Brother, Son, Friend, and Man. Depending on your profession, it might be logical to divide that profession into multiple roles, each focusing on a different facet of the work.

Then, for each role, identify one to three important results you’d like to accomplish in that goal during the next week. (Covey recommends doing this planning every Sunday.) Next, consult with the appointments you already have scheduled that week from earlier in the month/year. Many of those things, like an important client meeting or a time-sensitive doctor’s appointment, will be inflexible. Others may be necessary, or fun, but lower priority than the goals you identified, and conflict with them in timing: in that case, you can reschedule with a clean conscience, to focus on what’s most important.

Find time on the week’s schedule for the tasks necessary to accomplish each of your goals. You’ll often have to estimate exactly how long each task will take, and that’s OK – learn from the experience for similar tasks in the future.

Remember in your Mission Statement how you found the long-term roles and goals for yourself? Have those in front of you as you do all this, to be sure that every week, you’re acting in accordance with those roles and goals.

Each evening, revise the next day’s plan as necessary to address any emergencies or new opportunities. And, day to day, because you have an identified set of principles, personal values, and a mission, you can take longer on a task, or respond to events, in a way consistent with those non-negotiables- and not feel bad about it. For instance, if a friend calls you crying about how they lost their job, are deeply depressed, and in an emotional crisis, you can consult principles to find that it’s worth skipping the gym that evening to go have a beer and talk with him. Bam. Taking care of people.

Stewardship Delegation

Finally, Covey hints at the advances of the next three habits by talking about the value of delegating.

While a single producer can be independent and highly effective in what he personally does, he can also increase his effectiveness by ten, one hundred, or one thousand times by connecting with others. A skillful manager knows how to use the talents of his subordinates most effectively, versus, trying to do everything himself, or wasting time and stifling creative problem solving through micromanagement.

The key of good management, for leveraging your own effectiveness to the max when connecting with others, is Stewardship Delegation. This reminds me of the concept of Mission Leadership in the modern military, in which officers are given a situation and mission, a list of parameters, and given generally wide latitude on how to accomplish the assigned mission. Stewardship Delegation similarly focuses on the results instead of the methods. To do it, you tell your subordinate the desired results, the guidelines, the resources available, the methods of measuring success, and the consequences for success or failure. Then let them go do it. This saves you time on walking the subordinate through every single step, it helps them develop their own abilities and confidence, and it opens the possibility for them, in the thick of things, to find novel solutions that you wouldn’t think of yourself.

“First things first” applies to your entire team, not only your personal actions.


  1. I need a new planner, as I filled out all the pages in my 2017 one. I’m going to get to Staples tomorrow and buy a new one, and begin using it. Seriously, the Franklin-Covey planners are great: classy, clean, and in accordance with the 7 Habits.
  2. Covey suggests thinking of a Quadrant 2 activity that you’ve neglected, but that could have a huge impact in your personal or professional life. For me, this is networking and public speaking, which are closely related. I’m committing now to attending my college’s Toastmasters meetings from 7:00-8:15 on Thursday evenings: I have no class at that time, and it’s going to help me develop the essential skill of public speaking! I’ve put that off for way too long. It will boost my abilities for marketing, and as a future Officer, including during the semester, and at Advanced Camp this summer.
  3. For the past three days, I wrote down in roughly 15 minute chunks how I spent my time: the results were bad. Lots of procrastination, lots of Quadrant 4 times on video games and YouTube. I’m going to keep tracking that, and spend as much time in Quadrant 2 as possible: and be proud of that time and the results it produces.
  4. Covey recommends making a list of responsibilities I can delegate. I can’t do that right now. But, during my Cadet leadership positions, I can delegate attendance-checking and some planning activities to subordinates.
  5. I already have the rest of this week planned. On Sunday, after my Army Reserve drill, I’m going to do a proper planning session with my new planner and post pictures here.
  6. I’ll keep planning every Sunday like that!